I am aware that I am facing an identity crisis. As of now, I am uncertain of my sexuality. I did and do like girls. I get this
dumbfounded feeling when I meet my girl crush. Yet I just can't fantasize over them. On the other hand, I have feelings of lust towards hot guys. I rarely have this non-lustful feeling on certain cute guys. I may be bisexual but it's too early for me to say so. I will contemplate on this further.
Earlier in childhood I was branded as gay for being effeminate, I was too naive to comprehend it. I did one girl crush during that time. My guy classmates ostracized me for being "special" so I ended up befriending with girls. I was conscious of it and was scared of being one. Reason is, my father is from the military and he doesn't like his children to be gay. When he asked me of it I denied. Not that I wanted to be saved from his punishment rather I didn't know what it meant to be one. I was really puzzled for having this weird feeling upon me by people especially males.
Since I started entering high school I felt that I was really different from the other guys. It was my first time to a crush on a guy. I tried to suppress this feeling but I couldn't. I was doing it so that I would not be judged by others. These feelings toward them later on changed to lust. But no one knew of my guy crushes. Also in this stage of my life, I had a crush on a certain girl. She is pretty but not that famous. My world would stop when she's near me. I was too shy and was not good with expressing my feelings so I never had the chance to say it to her. I did try by giving her a teddy bear. Without the necessary words nothing happened between the two of us. But I know she knows of it, our common friends told her.
It was somewhat the same in my college years. Several guy crushes and a girl crush. There were a lot of hot guys so it can't be avoided to fantasize over them. This time I had more guy friends and I thought that this might make me "normal". There was one girl I met during my high school years that became my college classmate. She captivated me the first time I saw her. I knew that we were perfect for each other, we're both intelligent. I tried to make my move, I secretly gave her a teddy bear (again) which gave rise to the intrigue of her secret admirer's identity. But luck wasn't on my side as somebody got to her first. I was so upset that I blamed for being so slow. Whenever I see them I get discouraged. When they finally broke up I thought that I could continue my plan. Again I was late, she and my friend had this mutual feeling so I stopped the idea of pursuing her. I know that she already knows that I was her secret admirer. Even my college friends know but I just deny it.
At present, I still have not been into a typical boy-girl relationship or the uncommon homosexual one, be it romantic or sexual. As you've noticed, I only have a few girl crushes but countless guy crushes. They may be only a handful but my girl crushes are somewhat my ideal girls that I want to be with for the rest of my life. They are worthy to be treated like a queen. I get this true love feeling only on special girls. In contrary, my guy crushes are many in number for there are a lot of hot guys nowadays. I sometimes get an erection when I see one in public. I look to them lowly as sexual slaves undeserving of my respect. My treatment towards them might be due to my traumatic experience in high school.
The greater dilemma lies with my future. What if I get to marry the perfect woman, will I be able to fulfill my duty of procreation with her? What if I get to be gay, will I be able to find the one that I will definitely be my life-long partner?
Who knows what might future be... still it is a far and obscure event in my life. Worrying wouldn't do me any good stead I will live my life as if problem-free. Remember that all of our problems from the past have been gradually solved. Which means that we can overcome all these obstacles, as long as we have a positive outlook, determination, perseverance, and faith in what you believe in and yourself.
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